Illinois Shadow

Happy Mother Earth Day

2008-04-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

On this Earth Day, don't we discriminate against the many other planets in the solar system? What is so wrong with Mars? Saturn? Venus? Can't we just have "Planet day". It would be far more inclusive.

Remember Mother Earth (“ME”) was just as happy being a molten mess of volcanic death--she does not care if the grass is green, the sky blue. In fact, she does not think, and ME is not a she.

Perhaps, it should be called "ME Day", because earth day is filled with double speak where we praise mother earth but really rally to save you and ME from extinction.

I am sanguine. Although we will ultimately destroy this planet (in our standards not earth's), we will continue to blast into the heavens and begin to populate (and pollute) the universe.

Humans are far more intelligent than dinosaurs and as adaptable as cockroaches--in essence, we are tough virus’s to exterminate.

Happy ME Day

Imus, Cho and Cash

2007-04-19T06:01:00.000-07:00

When MSNBC fired Don Imus, they wrapped the decision in a glorious civic edict that America needed healing from hurtful, mean language. As we know, CBS followed suit and forced Imus into radiotirement.

Of course, what Imus said was stupid, and unfunny, a far greater sin.

But last night, NBC and MSNBC revealed their hypocrisy when they made the decision to resurrect Cho and air his videos and pictures, while reaping huge ratings, and yes, ad dollars.

There was no possible gain for airing anything that nut bag had to say—while lonely parents mourn the loss of children they could not protect, NBC partnered with Cho to sell more Fords.

I do credit NBC for consistency—advertisers chased Imus off the air while advertisers salivated at the chance to air spots during the Cho videos.

But it had nothing to do with a higher civic duty—in both cases, MSNBC and NBC just followed the money.

Mr. Skinny kneels before the Tall One

2007-01-17T07:14:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if my contact within the Barack camp is O’full of it, but Mr. 73% may tour Lincoln’s tomb during his Springfield Presidential announcement.

I had suggested earlier that all REPUBLICAN Presidential candidates must travel to papa Lincoln’s tomb to reflect on why we are Republicans and how we have deviated from the ideals of the party he created.

Apparently, one candidate really liked my idea: but it was DEMOCRAT Obama, who may beat every GOP pretender to the punch and launch his Presidency with Lincoln’s legacy and tomb as a backdrop.

I promise you this: if Barack tours Lincoln’s tomb, I may vote for the Skinny One.

I have always like him personally, but touring the tomb shows class and a reverence of history that transcends party lines.

Lincoln's Coocyx For Sale

2007-01-08T12:27:00.000-08:00

Following the dumbest war in our history, spiraling debt, and the desire to peddle fear for political purposes, our Republican leadership has so fully disgraced the legacy of “our” Abe, that we should complete the rape, unearth the tall one and EBAY his clavicle, toe bone, rib tips, everythin--at least we call upon him once more to help reduce our national debt. For if a Lincoln letter can fetch one hundred grand, just think what we could get for his femur.

Too many fat elephants have been so seduced by profits, pensions and the seedy politics of winning at all costs, that they have forgotten about you, the people.

So a national GOP pilgrimage is in order--no not to that “Abe Lincoln West World” museum, where local legend says Lincoln once peed, but the hallowed ground of his actual tomb.

A grand tour is required to not only rub the brass nose of sad Abe, but to wander inside the dark, dank tomb and reflect upon A. Lincoln’s call for union “…with malice toward none, with charity for all”.

So let it be written, that all Republicans—including all 2008 GOP Presidential candidates--shall travel to the final resting place of Pa Pa Lincoln, the father of our party.

Once there, pledge to stop acting like self absorbed fools and begin to rebuild our party according to his ideals. For if we don’t start acting like Lincoln--Americans first, Republicans second—-we should dig him out, cut him up and hawk his 206 remaining bits to the highest bidders. At least then, he would respect us for our honesty.

Todd projected to Win

2006-11-08T06:28:00.000-08:00

With 78% of the precincts reporting, Illinois Shadow is projecting Todd the Stoller the winner in the race for Cook County Board President.

“Crying Tony needs to swallow the hard truth. He lost…Jr. won,” declared Burt Nobles, supervisor of the Cook County election board.

Upon hearing the sad news, six Peraica 1099 contract workers, and one small child, marched to the Chicago Tribune demanding to “let us in” .

“How can we not get elected? Obviously, the Tribune failed us,” said five-year-old Dan Proft. “The Tribune Company had the ability to rename the paper the Chicago Peraica, and they did nothing.”

A stunned Bruce Dolt muttered something about falling circulation and then mentioned his multi-colored socks that he wears on election night.

Stunned and confused, Proft told reporters that they would continue to march, and eventually, blame every Chicago institution for Crying Tony’s loss.

“Don’t think the Art Institute is blameless,” said Proft. “Yeah, like they have real art inside. It is a front for the machine, and we know it.”

Stroger, Blagojevich to Send Flowers To Foley

2006-10-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

Once again, the sanctimonious GOP is caught with its pants down (and its fingers on the key board).

As you know by now, Rep. Foley plays with boys in his employ, sending them emails that violate the sexual predator laws he enacted. Just as sickening, several Illinois GOP leaders—who supervise the page program—apparently failed to do anything about the pedoterrorist in their closet.

So Illinois Dems will push this issue hard, reminding voters that the Illinois GOP talks about family values, but value hot pants and long showers more. This story will dominate the press’ attention for the next forty days, killing most other election related stories, forcing candidates to address this issue.

And when they do, Democrats will win, and Republicans lose, specifically Peraica and Topinka.

“As your Cook County Board President,” said an energized Todd Stroger, “we will ensure that our interns our safe and free from threats that plagued the Republican controlled page program. My Republican opponent…”

“As your Governor, I won’t tolerate this behavior,” said Blagojevich “I just find it hard to understand why Republican leaders would allow children to be victimized. My Republican opponent…”

Ouchy.

CP: Illinois Shadow

Last Stop Rockford

2006-09-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

The Rockford paper is whining again—upset that the two major party candidates for Governor have ignored the Rockford Register Star’s request to host a debate.

Thumping its small chest like a teenage girl on My Space, the paper cannot understand why anyone would dis Rockford. "What are they thinking?" the paper whimpers. But you only get to demand debates, when you have something to offer.

Unfortunately, over the decades the leadership in Rockford, including the paper, have let its citizens down.

Quick…how many people live in Rockford:

a) 783,343
b) 567,384
c) 150,000
(short music interlude)

Time's up! If you answered C, you are correct.

These figures put Rockford in the same category as Naperville, with 160,000 denizens, or Aurora, with 150,000 Aurorians.

Rockford’s plan for growth over the last 20 years has been to complain, whine and badger Illinois that they are the mighty City of Rockford. Please--for the benefit of all of our tired ears--cut the stoic, insular Swedish snobbery, extend the Metra line from Harvard to Rockford, and become a suburb of Chicago.

You might find that people visit Rockford—even candidates for Governor.

CP: Illinois Shadow

George Ryan: Just Say No

2006-09-07T05:51:00.000-07:00

Maybe this should have been our first clue:

August 15, 1989

St. Louis Post Dispatch

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. - Two candidates - one a familiar face and one a newcomer to statewide politics - joined the 1990 Illinois primary fray Monday.

Lt. Gov. George Ryan, a Republican, announced at a Capitol rally that he would seek the GOP nomination for secretary of state, pledging that his first priority would be the prevention of drug abuse.

****

Drug abuse?

CP: Illinois Shadow

My Nephew

2006-08-07T05:09:00.000-07:00

I know this is not the forum for family promotion, but my nephew Andy just got a video camera and made a movie during 4th period. He is Vice-President of the AV club and did a bang up job. How did he remember all those lines? You can view his movie here.

Illinois Shadow

Tony, Don't be a Cmizdravac

2006-07-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

Dear T:

If you are a dick, you will lose.

Yes, we are sick that Todd Stroger got the slot because of his daddy.

But other than the chattering political junkies, nobody cares, YET. It’s the summer, baby.

The press will push the nepotism and anger angle for you. Stop being so indignant—you appear a little Allan KeyesISH.

Take a deep breath, smile AND charm the voters. How about some self-deprecating humor?

“When I first became a Commissioner, I still had some trouble understanding English, especially when people spoke really fast. So when Cook County employees said “Whoozen’M’Diddee”, I thought somebody had sneezed. Now I know they were asking “Who is MY daddy?”

If you are strident and angry all the time, Democrats will select the familiar name “Stroger”.

Better they go with the devil’s son they know, than the angry devil they don’t.

P.S. For the love of Jehovah, please donate to the Peraica campaign here.

Illinois Shadow

Freedom

2006-07-16T06:54:00.000-07:00

Americans are brave.

Born from strong stock that conquered a wilderness, fought off a colonial parent, and weathered a war between brothers, we have a rich history of strength in the face of adversity.

But in the last decade, we have become soft, frightened and spooked by the nebulous threat of terrorism. Of course, our government has stoked that fear, reminding us constantly of the boogey Muslim around every corner.

We must find strength in our history.

By conquering our rational yet over hyped, oversold fear, we might have a chance to return our government to its owners: We the People…

From illegal searches, seizures, surveillance and torture, the assaults on our freedom and traditions are legion. George the 43rd and his cronies have hyped fear to consolidate power in the executive branch—you are either with us or against us, he mumbled. And the monarchy began.

But King George is neither a Republican nor a conservative: he is the CEO in Chief, corralling us with memos from Homeland security. His intent to keep us safe is sincere, but his methods are wrong.

Instead, in the face of terror, he should remind us of our past. We are not lambs needing shelter; we are Americans requiring freedom.

Yes, a Jihadist may kill me; but I rather die free at the hands of a terrorist, then suffer a thousand cuts to our Liberty.

Illinois Shadow

HBTM

2006-07-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

I just had a birthday. Here is what I have learned:

Woman love hugs, deep kisses and bed skirts;

Men love hugs, deep kisses but only if it leads to the removal of a skirt in bed;

Democrats who send there kids to private school are like gay Republicans:
Decrying the state of union, but screwing their neighbors anyway.

Peanut Butter is the perfect food, unless spread on a gay Republican;

Rod Blagojevich is an early Sputnik monkey: smiling, hairy, lost in space;

Girls rule--Boys drool.

Jews for Jesus are really Christians;

John Stroger is just as articulate in a coma--Tony Peraica is friendlier in a coma;

Life is hard, a one-way street, but nothing a long nap can’t cure.

See you in a Weil

2006-06-05T05:21:00.000-07:00

George Ryan stood tall on the steps of the temple—scanning the crowd for signs of recognition. Suddenly, he locked eyes with his next victim.

“There’s my lawyer. Hey, Webb. Webb!”

Sixteen steps below, the infamous Dan Webb saw his former client. The wonder boy from Macomb looked shy and a little guilty, as though he wanted to forget the biggest defeat of his career.

“Governor. Governor,” Webb said as he ambled up the stairs. Oddly, he did not shake the pharmacist’s extended hand.

“Nice to see you,” Webb mumbled. Then with a sudden burst of trial adrenaline, Webb blurted: “We should do dinner…and I’ll pay!”

“We’ll Webb,” grinned the Governor, “you better hurry up.”

Dan Weil would have loved that exchange—unfortunately, it occurred at his funeral. He would have laughed hard, and then asked you a pointed question:

“So, do you know the name of the Governor who gained fame by firing his lawyer on the eve of his corruption trial?”

I rarely knew the answers to his teases. But it did signify the start of a lengthy political debate filled with laughter, intrigue and friendship.

Dan possessed amazing political instinct, and offered solicited and unsolicited advice to many pols, including Colin Powell, Jean Kirkpatrick, Mike Madigan, Dan Webb, the Daley clan, Jim Thompson, Jack O’Malley, Anne Burke, Dan Rutherford and many, many others.

Dan was a true friend, mentor—a modern day Obie Wan, boldly engaged in the dusty political arena. He loved politics because he loved people.

I will miss his advice—and the political arena, and life, will be less interesting without this warm and daring soul.

He lives...

2006-04-24T05:29:00.000-07:00

With all this pious banter about reform, maybe an eager beaver legislator could launch a committee to purge the felonious Ryan's name from State government--they could start with the State of Illinois website.

Deep within this website could be some very interesting code, or "meta tags" as they say in the geek business.

Go ahead.

Type the following in Google: "George Ryan campaign website" (here are the results).

The first natural listing returned, the official State of Illinois website, speaks volumes of old man Potter's reign.

And if you think its just because he was a past Governor, guess again. Neither Blagojevich, Edgar or even Stratton returned such results. (OK, Bill did not have a website, but you get the idea).

CP: illinoisshadow.blogspot.com

Liar, Liar, Plame on Fire

2006-04-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

It appears that 43 learned a lot from 42 on how to shade the truth:

President Bush 9/30/2003

"Listen, I know of nobody -- I don't know of anybody in my administration who leaked classified information. If somebody did leak classified information, I'd like to know it, and we'll take the appropriate action... But I want to tell you something -- leaks of classified information are a bad thing. And we've had them -- there's too much leaking in Washington."

AP 4/8/06

"President Bush declassified sensitive intelligence in 2003 and authorized its public disclosure to rebut Iraq war critics...an attorney knowledgeable about the case said Saturday...Bush merely instructed Cheney to "get it out" and left the details to him..."

The morning after pill

2006-03-23T05:41:00.000-08:00

The Shadow attended all of the GOP GOV parties. Here is my report and hope for the future:

Oberweis: Good ice cream. But I understand why Jack Roeser is a little (whistle here). Have you seen his sweater wear in person? It is far worse than anything here. Oh dear, similar to mercury poisoning, this material leeks into one's skin, travels to one's brain, and causes a profound hatred for Gays and logic.

Topinka: Smart. Cash bar. Save money, you will need it. Mark Kirk is as exciting as the clean, white Navy uniform I always imagine him wearing. I don’t know why, but I think he really gets into the Y-M-C-A dance at sporting events. Maybe he earned some ribbons for Macarena contests in the 90s? For some reason, the crowd looked similar to George Ryan's '98 victory party.

Gidwitz: Packed with Rauschenberger supporters, open bar but only carrots to eat. Gidwitz's charming wife should have been the candidate. Did not see it, but a press friend told me there was a fight and someone was ejected. For the 10% who voted for Ron, can't we all get along?

Brady: This guy may be a play'yaaa. Expect a big hug from Topinka. She appreciates gentleman Bill. Brady/Durkin '10? Needs to drop the loafer wear sans socks, but the future is bright for William. My hope: get your beautiful family into the commercials.

Martin: Who the heck are the 5902 citizens that voted for "My Favorite Martin"? No victory party, but I imagine it would be a crazy affair that even Jack Ryan would attend. We wish him the best, as we don'’t like lawsuits. Martin in 08! Martin in 10! Martin in 12!...Martin in 58!

Oh yeah, our last wish: Oberweis, please, please run again...in Alaska.

Shadow Island

2006-03-19T06:20:00.000-08:00

To help me understand the GOP GUV candidates, I grant each a dictatorship over Shadow Island, a three-mile paradise just east of Gary. It is a friendly place populated by mostly obedient Methodists.

OBERWEIS: Within six days of seizing power, Oberweis demands that his subjects call him “Daddy” while drinking his Communion Cream. Once everyone is highly sedated, he appoints Jack Roeser minister of fashion. Suddenly, Corduroy suits are in and whining becomes the official language. But to check Roeser’s power, Daddy invites his friends the Taliban to provide halftime entertainment, knowing that only they can control Colonel “Kurtz” Roeser. Oh the horror, the horror.

GIDWITZ: Giddy divides the island into 50 parcels, granting each of his high donors absolute rule in those areas. Believing that his personality, and not his wealth, gives him status, he disguises himself as a gas station attendant to test his theory. But as he rushes to pump gas, 92% of the denizens scream and lock their doors. Feeling dejected and alone, he strips his clothes, enters the mountains, and develops a wildly popular hair care product called “My Comb Over”.

TOPINKA: The party starts early on Topkisland, a popular vacation destination for gay stallions who prefer accordion music. To enshrine her popularity, she bans Oboes and heterosexuality for those under 35. Upon George Ryan’s conviction, Judy grants him political asylum. Good old George captains the "ferry" from Gary into Port Garcia de Ricardo—during the jaunt, Homer instructs the youth about the dangers of unprotected sex and the need to ban the death penalty, expect for folks named Fawell.

BRADY: After being instructed on what constitutes an island, Brady begins to build homes on every square inch. He hunts down Oberweis, kills him, but as usual Oberweis refuses to die. While Oberweis’ head is mounted above Brady’s fireplace, Oberweis opens his eyes and begins to bark revenge. Always the entrepreneur, Brady opens the island’s first freak show exhibit. Tourism soars, as royalty from all over the world come to view and listen to “Obie--Less Fat, Same Idiot”.

And the numbers are...

2006-03-11T06:00:00.000-08:00

Do you think it odd the paucity of GOP election polls during this cycle?

The STL has this tease, and will show the rest of the leg tomorrow.

But here is my gut:

Topinka 28%
Oberweis 22%
Gidwitz 18%
Brady 10%
Undecided 22%

What does your crystal ball say? What if Oberweis actually wins? Do you think he will get big again?

Winner receives a copy of Rich Miller's very funny Sun-Times debut column (call him collect to collect).

Judy & Steve, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

2006-03-06T05:19:00.000-08:00

September 2007
----------------------
“Honey, I’m home. Dinner ready?”

“No babe, I have been trying to balance our check book. Hey, silly, you just want to spend, spend, spend.”

“I’m home less than one minute, and you bring up that check book thing.”

“I’m sorry, babe. It's just that our neighbors view me as the budget expert, the smartest guy in town, so when you spend like a Democrat, it reflects poorly on me, the budget expert, the smartest guy in town.”

“We’ll, as I have said before, there are a lots of people to please. Can you just focus on selecting our next State slug? Personally, I like that little grey slug, but it is your call."

"Hello? That little "grey slug" is called Deroceras Reticulatum."

"Whatever...oh, Bob is joining us for dinner.”

“Bob? Again, with Bob. Why does he always have to join us? I don’t think he likes me.”

“You are absolutely ridiculous...”

“He is always leering at me, making those first lady jokes...you don’t have to laugh, his jokes are not funny.”

“Bob is just being silly. I know for a fact that Bob…um…likes you."

“He can be so mean, though. Plus, he eats my serving.”

“You are such a cutie, Stevie. I will make it up to you, I promise.”

“We’ll, could I ask you a favor?”

“Anything, darling.”

“Can I join you at work tomorrow?”

“Sweetie, I don’t know…”

“I just want to be a part of your life. I want to be helpful.”

“Hmm…ummm…OK…but only if you…”

“Anything, babe, anything.”

“…wait in the car.”

Vote Early and Often

2006-02-24T05:50:00.000-08:00

With the campaign over, it is now up to the voters. Sort of.

With early voting beginning Monday, how do you think it will affect the election?

In the past, polling and advertising were complete and then voting began. Now, the situation seems more fluid, with polls and slam ads occurring after citizens may have cast ballots.

These figures seem alittle high, but some officials state that when early voting is an option, 20%-50% of the residents vote before the official election day.

If true, it could dramatically alter how Illinois elections are waged.

If a Gidwitz sleaze piece falls into a mailbox, but the recipient has already voted, does it make a sound?

I think the red head may have this race wrapped up.

Dupage County early voting locations
Chicago early voting locations
Lake County early voting locations
Cook County early voting locations
Springfield early voting location

The Lost Boys

2006-02-21T06:35:00.000-08:00

Pathetic.

The image of four men taunting a woman was simply sad.

But the red head fought back, kicking them all in their small bit areas and showing us why she wins elections.

I blame 15% Gidwitz, the lead mosquito who attacked first.

His non-campaign (unfortunately influenced by Alan Keyes' handlers) has begun to assault Topinka about her ethics and morality, but instead of drawing blood, he has reduced himself to a 1/2 cm itchy lump.

Throughout the gangbang, Judy was gracious and called them all gentleman. These "gentleman" reciprocated and implied she was a political whore.

They are men without manners, men without vision, just sad boys lost in the fog of their own ineptitude.

Pathetic indeed.

CP: illinoisshadow.blogspot.com

Contest Mania

2006-02-19T06:40:00.000-08:00

The Shadow is offering a large Kit Kat bar to the first person who can correctly identify the following flags?

And now a word from our sponsor...

2006-02-18T06:02:00.000-08:00

Door #1: Ron Gidwitz is an outsider fighting the Combine.

Door #2: Ron Gidwitz is an insider who has supported the Combine.

Final Answer: Ding, Ding, Ding. Door #2 (Type in Gidwitz' last name, his first name (Ronald), search and giggle at his hypocrisy).

Comments On

2006-02-18T05:44:00.000-08:00

Friends, countryman and bloggers, reminded me that I did not have comments on. Now I do. So feel free.

Ron, Picasso and Budweiser

2006-02-17T05:56:00.000-08:00

As pressure mounts on Illinois gubernatorial candidate Ron Gidwitz to pull his slam ads, he continues to assert that he is just regular Ron trying to help the little guy.

And to prove he is just like us, the New York Times is reporting today that he and his family are selling their original Picasso, valued at fifty million dollars.

“I am so street,” said Gidwitz. “This painting is so bizarre, and, besides, I think Picasso was a liberal.”

“This is a win-win,” commented Gidwitz spokesperson, Francis Cotter Wilson Wellington III. “Some of the profit will help Mr. Gidwitz take additional classes on how to drink a Bud, understand Nascar and talk to people of color.”

When asked about the intended sale, fellow GOP candidate Bill Brady told CBS2 Chicago reporter Mike Flannery:

“I have never met this Mr. Pichacho, but if he is liberal, I don’t want his vote.”

CP: Illinois Shadow

Get Nutty

2006-02-10T06:46:00.000-08:00

Two days ago the Shadow broke the story about John Cox running to be number 44.

Good for Cox.

Not that he has a prayer to occupy 1600. But at least he tries, again, again and again.

I tire quickly of the gadfly stories, the slams, the giggles. Most that laugh at Cox (including me) probably live life too safe.

Seriously, if you think Cox’s life is a joke, note your surroundings—your cubicle adorned with Far Side cartoons; that 4% raise; the sweater from 1982; your filthy 2000 Honda Odyssey; your very, very predictable life.

Yes, Cox is about ego. But so am I. So are you.

Give the man a break, and today, follow his lead and do something totally insane, even if people whisper and snicker, “you’re such a Cox.”

He's back...

2006-02-08T06:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am speechless. This is one of those moments.

Cox for President

If you don't have anything nice to say...

2006-02-03T06:08:00.000-08:00

Eric Krol of the Daily Herald has penned an interesting piece on the Governor’s race. The ever-optimistic Krol seems to imply that “going nuclear” or “blasting” Topinka is the only way for Oberweis or Gidwitz to break out and win.

This is just plain craAAAAAAp.

Krol and his Kronies like to see candidates bloody each other. For instance, when candidates debate and compliment, Senior Smiles is sad because it makes his job harder. It is much easier to lead with “Oberweis wasted no time accusing Topinka of dating Satan…” than “Brady offered a solution to Illinois’ under funded pension plan”.

Similar to the car crash or burning building template, the “candidates bickering” piece is simple yet reveals little substance. In addition, it implies that Illinois voters only want mud. Although I am sure that our 16th President slowed to stare at a buggy wreck, Abe would never tolerate a jihad to trash his opponents.

So Mr. Oberweis, Brady and Gidwitz, don’t take the bearded one’s bait. Stay positive, offer us solutions and avoid a near occasion of simpleness.

Google's Muzzle

2006-01-25T05:53:00.000-08:00

While I thumped my chest about the great Google, they stabbed me in the back.

Google is right to fight the Justice Department to defend our Bill of Rights.

But to gain more customers, Google cut a deal with the Chinese communists and agreed to censor its search results in the land of the Giant Panda.

Google’s new motto: Do no evil, except if we can gain access to 1.3 billion customers. Unless Google reverses its course, I will never use Google again. And for now, I'll search with my mamma.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha

2006-01-23T04:48:00.000-08:00

As I grow older, I realize the true brilliance of Sherwood Schwartz, the father of the Brady Bunch.

Yes, we have learned that Mr. Brady was interested only in Sam the butcher's links, and Carol wanted to slip into Greg's groovy attic bedroom, but the TV Bradys were good, decent parents, who allowed their children to fall on their faces and learn from their mistakes.

Every episode portrayed a Brady kid with a problem--Mr. and Mrs. Brady, while offering food, shelter and love, told the kids it was their responsibility to find a solution. Maybe the Bradys could help some of today's "my great kid in a plastic bubble" parents; as Mom always said, don't play ball in the house.

So, to support Goggle’s First Amendment fight against the man, I wanted to share an important public service it now offers: on demand Brady Bunch, 24/7.

I am partial to every episode without Oliver; and I really enjoy when Marsha proves her mettle and joins Greg's scout troop.

What is your favorite episode? And does any character remind you of an Illinois politician?

Unbuckle that broke back belt buckle

2006-01-20T05:48:00.000-08:00

I confess: I have watched two members of the same sex kiss—it was way sexy, artistic and on a globe replete with pain, war and horrific weather, quite the enjoyable distraction.

For you liberals: the two participants had signed lengthy waivers (in French) verifying their fathers had held them while encouraging them to explore careers in both math and science.

For you conservatives: first, don’t blush, do breath, and for God’s sake, take a tax deduction for your guilt. Second, remember, these perceived deviants are actual people, born from a womb and deserving of respect, dignity and the right to life.

For you in the Justice Department: Google this!

As you are all aware, the Bush administration now demands private help in their war against Osama and Playboy. No, the Patriot Act and wire-tapping are just not enough.

Now, the feds want to enlist private companies like Google, Yahoo, MSN, and who knows, maybe Illinoize, to spy for them.

Google has refused to comply; so, stand strong, Larry and Sergey. Watching you fight the G is the sexiest thing you two can do.

"Rod, thanks for your help" -- Joe

2006-01-11T06:25:00.000-08:00

Like that affable Oscar, Rod is about to pop up again from his pail. No, not the Governor.

I speak of Sire Rod McCulloch, whom the late Steve Neal deemed “the nutty professor of Illinois politics”. The same GOP consultant who had JACK’s naughty, naughty divorce files months before the Chicago Tribune and ABC7 Chicago.

The media giants spent millions to break a court seal to learn that JACK liked sex (take a deep breath) with his wife, sans alien costume. Apparently, Oscar had the files all along—using each page as a coaster for his occasional cocktail.

Last November, DuPage State's Attorney Joe Birkett indicted McCulloch for forgery, alleging that the professor submitted bogus signatures on a candidate's nominating petitions. Serious charges indeed, and the grouch may have to bunk with that under sexed cellmate snuffleupagus. Ouchy.

But the professor will not go quietly into the night.

After indicting him, Joe Birkett’s campaign committee apparently blasted an email to McCulloch requesting his help passing Birkett’s nominating petitions for Lt. Guv.

Feeling blessed to be asked, and eager to help, apparently McCulloch put on his best pair of Wallaby’s and went to work, acquiring lots and lots of signatures for Birkett.

My hunch is that since Birkett declared very late, his team was happy to receive any petitions. So somewhere deep within Birkett’s filed signatures are probably petitions circulated by McColloch.

If so, it will be an interesting trial (and possible campaign issue), with Birkett's prosecutors having to explain to the jury why Birkett--after indicting Rod for forging signatures--asked Rod to circulate his petitions, and most importantly, used and benefited from the professor’s petitions to secure a spot on the ballot.

Nutty, indeed.

UPDATE: Contrary to my hunch, Rich Miller said Birkett's people told him they pulled McColloch's petitions. Easy to verify, so I doubt they are fibbing, but I am sure someone will check. If true, kudos to the Birkett team.

It still leaves open the issue of Birkett inviting McColloch via email to pass his petitions post indictment.

ON AIR WITH HOWARD COHEN

2005-12-22T05:58:00.000-08:00

If you have ever met Jeff Berkowitz and his, um, tiny camera, you might cast him aside as a looney bin who has a cable show in his Mom’s basement.

Popping up here and there, and whining tough questions to dazed politicians, angry handlers have debated whether to ignore him or engage him.

But in the small Midwest, where weatherman are media stars, our political class is perplexed: his cable show is booked between test patterns, but he is on TV and that makes him a real reporter, right?

Probably not. Despite his boasting, watching him on TV makes one ponder whether he won his gig (and his suit) in a Kiwanis raffle.

That being said, the Shadow sees hope for attorney Berkowitz. His tenacity, rudeness, wit and stumbling reminds me of another irritant who also chucked the law for a microphone.

That cub reporter’s name was Howard Cohen, more commonly known as Howard Cosell.

In his middle life, Cosell exited his successful legal practice to pursue his dream. But the only job available was announcing little league games gratis before massive crowds of 27. For years, Cosell annoyed parents, berated children for striking out and treated every game like the World Series. But he refused to be ignored and eventually transformed himself into an icon.

Does Mr. Berkowitz’ future hold the same? Who knows.

But like Cosell, Berkowitz is not going away anytime soon.

KITT for Sale!

2005-12-19T07:01:00.000-08:00

For “expansion and other factors”, Illinois 8th Congressional GOP candidate Ken Arnold is selling his famed look-alike Knight Rider car that he purchased back in ’88.

“Hasselhoff and I look alike. We have the same driving techniques, and I still wear the glasses I bought with the car,” boasted Arnold. “In fact, the series could have been based on my life—I’m surprised NBC passed me over.”

Although Arnold refused to say whether he had secured any offers, he did offer his exit strategy.

“If it does not sell in the good ole’ US of A—I’ll take it to Deutschland and just say I’m Hasselhoff.”

Chapitre Un

2005-12-16T06:27:00.000-08:00

Over the dark skys of Illarnia, three species battled: the emps, short sleeves and wide eyes.

The emps were infamous for their cunning laziness. Among them, there were glimmers of brilliance, but for many, they simply tickled the public teat with their greedy tongues. Over the last era, the emps had procreated and swelled in ranks; more and more were required to do less. Each cycle, the emps snickered and chattered in the silent dance of smears to advance their Lord’s future.

The short sleeves wore the button down variety—mostly bearded with large heads to hold their swelled brains. More skull than matter, they carried their battle pens to record each action of the emps. As their Lords grew fat upon the honey of media mergers, they suffered from salahubris: big brain--low pay. They battled on, but since they needed stories to scribe, they formed alliances with the emps. The emps provided the sleeves with consistency, simplicity, and the occasional beverage.

The one species the emps and the short sleeves loathed were the wide eyes.

The wide eyes believed in a different version of tomorrow—often naive, shrill and a bit nutty. They spoke large of small substance solutions—taxes are too high, guns kill, we must end corruption. They ran and ran—and if they lost too many times, the emps and short sleeves conspired and tarred them Gadflies.

But among the emp warriors was a faun named Tumistinka...

Drive Right--Teeth White and Bright

2005-12-10T15:49:00.000-08:00

Secretary of State Jesse White--the tumbler who always gets back up--is offering free teeth whitener to any Illinois driver with a safe record.

"Drive right--your teeth will be bright like White's," said spokesman Nipsey Russell.

Worldwide Exclusive--Bush beating Christ

2005-12-08T19:30:00.000-08:00

Bolstered by a more robust economy, The New York Times reported today that George Bush’s poll numbers had improved.

But in a worldwide “Shadow” exclusive, George Bush is even beating the Lord Jesus in a poll commissioned by CBS2 Chicago and the Daily Southtown.

Besting Christ by more than 800 daily posts, bloggers commented about The Son of Bush 188,075 times in the last thirty days, while The Son of God garnered a mere 162,688 posts.

“Repeated calls to heaven went unreturned,” decried veteran CBS2 reporter Mike Flannery. “But the White House was quick to capitalize, slamming Yahweh for his opposition to war in general.”

“The ‘love your neighbor’ rhetoric is so 20th century,” said White House spokesperson Scott McClellan. “George Bush respects the Messiah, but this poll reveals that the ‘turn the other cheek’ philosophy is tired, and frankly, in this post 9/11 era of fear, threatens our American way of life.”

Mommy, are you there?

2005-12-06T18:10:00.000-08:00

With over 200 votes cast, the “Mommy Are You There” poll declared Ronald Gidwitz as the winner—22% of the voters said that of all the Illinois Gubernatorial candidates, Gidwitz was probably hugged the least as a child. James Oberweis came in second with a strong 20%--the Oberweis campaign quickly dismissed the results.

“Polls at this point mean nothing,” said spokesperson Jerry Wilcott. “As the voters get to know Jim, they will realize that he was never hugged as a child.”

Bill Brady, who received the fewest votes with 9%, said it should not dissuade voters from ultimately choosing him.

“Look, I still live at home, so I get hugged everyday,” said a dejected Brady. “But trust me, when I move out on my own, I am not hugging anybody. That is my commitment—that is my vow.”

Experts disagree on the significance of hugging and electoral performance.

“It depends on the method of adult hugging,” declared Leo Busca, Professor of Human Relations at University of Illinois-Circle. “Too much touching can lead to a solitary life of gambling and onanism.”

However, candidate Rauschenberger was so moved by the poll’s results that he dropped out of the race and teamed up with the winner.

“Ron has proved he has the votes,” said Senator Rauschenberger. “I only got 11%--11%!! I know that I was loved as a child—but I tried to hide it from the voters. They saw right through it.”

At tonight’s double-secret campaign rally between Rauschenberger and Gidwitz, there were no hugs. Gidwitz set the tone of the new campaign by immediately punching Rauschenberger and insulting his knit sweater. But Rauschenberger fought back--hitting Gidwitz square on the nose and damning Gidwitz to one of his housing projects.

A dazed but bloody Gidwitz bounced back quickly though.

“Hey buddy, let’s go get that red head.”

I'm with...

2005-12-02T06:35:00.000-08:00

Topinkojevich? The Shadow is a tad pissed’jeviched!

Not because insulting a woman with a silly moniker was a stupid thing to do--because it was--but because it falls shy of really clever.

First, it should be Topinka’vich. The Topink-o-je-vich is just clumsy, like Dick Van Dyke stumbling over the ottoman, except people tend to feel sympathy because when you say it, you sound like Corky from Life Goes On.

Second, the Shadow is sad that someone as respected, kind and truly intelligent as Senator Rauschenberger would tolerate such witlessness.

In the olden days, there was a law—never written, but always whispered.

Rule 3.78(b): Thou shall let another candidate have their announcement day.

This law was based upon courtesy, respect and recognition that we are all Americans.

OK, Ok. That was a little over the top, but the sentiment was sincere.

At the Stove Stoker’s announcement, some little ferret-berger crashed the party and was touting this Topinka-o-je-vich drivel, part of the same rodent order who trailed Obama with a video camera.

Truly classless'vich.

Since Rauschenberger has a penchant for naughty t-shirts, the Shadow is sending your team new shirts (with new campaign logos!)

Here they are. But remember to wear them as a group.

Thinka Topinka Tinkle

2005-11-30T11:16:00.000-08:00

(The Illinois Shadow orginally posted this in April 2005--but it is worth reading again, nothing has changed)

Judy, Judy, Judy. Well done on that Edgar strip tease. As usual, your tracks were well covered. No one ever realized that your minions started the rumor that Uncle Edgar—although still hobbled with a slight case of MSI--might dance again.

And then offering him campaign money that you knew you would never have to pay…boy you have a pair bigger than Frank Watson’s head.

I don’t think anyone can stop you Unless they work at 219 South Dearborn Street, where questions do linger. But bless your shoeless feet, the “lost boys” are a million miles from Dixon.

Herr Oberweis is stuck in the Milk Dud field begging Hispanics to convice Pro-Lifers to tell the Lactose Intolerant crowd that the Taliban were simply misunderstood;
Gidwitz is baffled that his products fail to help him;
Steve Rauschenburger. Who? Rauschenberger. Who? Never mind.
Joe Birkett. Chicago Tribune. Enough said.
Bless my lucky charms Pat O’Malley believes he created the Universe;
And Count Chocula or Lahood; Count Chocula or Lahood; I know, its confusing;

So while the white, conservative men predictably argue, tickle each other’s milk chocolates and steal votes from each other, you can simply whip out your weapon of choice—that ultra hip, three reed, thirty-four key, Accordiola.

Play away my pro-abort, Czech stove stoker, and get ready for your ninth life.

Madame, the nomination is yours.

I'm a little teapot...

2005-11-30T05:15:00.000-08:00

My imposed hiatus is over. I'm back and refreshed from the shifting sands.

I'm short, stout, full of steam, ready to wrestle with lions, tigers and bears. Can't say I am onboard with any of the Illinois GOP candidates, but that Andy Martin guy seems impressive, huh? Any guy who names his instrument a bone is alright with me.

Buckle in,

Tea's on

ps Miller Time-I know said I didn't want a prize for that Mell/Topinka caption contest, but geez, a little tease in my hair with your ego brush never hurts.

pps more to come Friday

Dank U

2005-07-03T14:34:00.000-07:00

Om het kwaad in de politiek van Illinois te bestrijden, zal ik mijn diensten aan het ministerie van intelligentie aanbieden. Ik zal een draad dragen, maar uitzet het wanneer ik in de badkamers ben. Zo moet ik mijn openbare rants beëindigen. Dank u, Adios: