The morning after pill

The Shadow attended all of the GOP GOV parties. Here is my report and hope for the future:

Oberweis: Good ice cream. But I understand why Jack Roeser is a little (whistle here). Have you seen his sweater wear in person? It is far worse than anything here. Oh dear, similar to mercury poisoning, this material leeks into one's skin, travels to one's brain, and causes a profound hatred for Gays and logic.

Topinka: Smart. Cash bar. Save money, you will need it. Mark Kirk is as exciting as the clean, white Navy uniform I always imagine him wearing. I don’t know why, but I think he really gets into the Y-M-C-A dance at sporting events. Maybe he earned some ribbons for Macarena contests in the 90s? For some reason, the crowd looked similar to George Ryan's '98 victory party.

Gidwitz: Packed with Rauschenberger supporters, open bar but only carrots to eat. Gidwitz's charming wife should have been the candidate. Did not see it, but a press friend told me there was a fight and someone was ejected. For the 10% who voted for Ron, can't we all get along?

Brady: This guy may be a play'yaaa. Expect a big hug from Topinka. She appreciates gentleman Bill. Brady/Durkin '10? Needs to drop the loafer wear sans socks, but the future is bright for William. My hope: get your beautiful family into the commercials.

Martin: Who the heck are the 5902 citizens that voted for "My Favorite Martin"? No victory party, but I imagine it would be a crazy affair that even Jack Ryan would attend. We wish him the best, as we don'’t like lawsuits. Martin in 08! Martin in 10! Martin in 12!...Martin in 58!

Oh yeah, our last wish: Oberweis, please, please run again...in Alaska.

Shadow Island

To help me understand the GOP GUV candidates, I grant each a dictatorship over Shadow Island, a three-mile paradise just east of Gary. It is a friendly place populated by mostly obedient Methodists.

OBERWEIS: Within six days of seizing power, Oberweis demands that his subjects call him “Daddy” while drinking his Communion Cream. Once everyone is highly sedated, he appoints Jack Roeser minister of fashion. Suddenly, Corduroy suits are in and whining becomes the official language. But to check Roeser’s power, Daddy invites his friends the Taliban to provide halftime entertainment, knowing that only they can control Colonel “Kurtz” Roeser. Oh the horror, the horror.

GIDWITZ: Giddy divides the island into 50 parcels, granting each of his high donors absolute rule in those areas. Believing that his personality, and not his wealth, gives him status, he disguises himself as a gas station attendant to test his theory. But as he rushes to pump gas, 92% of the denizens scream and lock their doors. Feeling dejected and alone, he strips his clothes, enters the mountains, and develops a wildly popular hair care product called “My Comb Over”.

TOPINKA: The party starts early on Topkisland, a popular vacation destination for gay stallions who prefer accordion music. To enshrine her popularity, she bans Oboes and heterosexuality for those under 35. Upon George Ryan’s conviction, Judy grants him political asylum. Good old George captains the "ferry" from Gary into Port Garcia de Ricardo—during the jaunt, Homer instructs the youth about the dangers of unprotected sex and the need to ban the death penalty, expect for folks named Fawell.

BRADY: After being instructed on what constitutes an island, Brady begins to build homes on every square inch. He hunts down Oberweis, kills him, but as usual Oberweis refuses to die. While Oberweis’ head is mounted above Brady’s fireplace, Oberweis opens his eyes and begins to bark revenge. Always the entrepreneur, Brady opens the island’s first freak show exhibit. Tourism soars, as royalty from all over the world come to view and listen to “Obie--Less Fat, Same Idiot”.

And the numbers are...

Do you think it odd the paucity of GOP election polls during this cycle?

The STL has this tease, and will show the rest of the leg tomorrow.

But here is my gut:

Topinka 28%
Oberweis 22%
Gidwitz 18%
Brady 10%
Undecided 22%

What does your crystal ball say? What if Oberweis actually wins? Do you think he will get big again?

Winner receives a copy of Rich Miller's very funny Sun-Times debut column (call him collect to collect).

Judy & Steve, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

September 2007
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“Honey, I’m home. Dinner ready?”

“No babe, I have been trying to balance our check book. Hey, silly, you just want to spend, spend, spend.”

“I’m home less than one minute, and you bring up that check book thing.”

“I’m sorry, babe. It's just that our neighbors view me as the budget expert, the smartest guy in town, so when you spend like a Democrat, it reflects poorly on me, the budget expert, the smartest guy in town.”

“We’ll, as I have said before, there are a lots of people to please. Can you just focus on selecting our next State slug? Personally, I like that little grey slug, but it is your call."

"Hello? That little "grey slug" is called Deroceras Reticulatum."

"Whatever...oh, Bob is joining us for dinner.”

“Bob? Again, with Bob. Why does he always have to join us? I don’t think he likes me.”

“You are absolutely ridiculous...”

“He is always leering at me, making those first lady jokes...you don’t have to laugh, his jokes are not funny.”

“Bob is just being silly. I know for a fact that Bob…um…likes you."

“He can be so mean, though. Plus, he eats my serving.”

“You are such a cutie, Stevie. I will make it up to you, I promise.”

“We’ll, could I ask you a favor?”

“Anything, darling.”

“Can I join you at work tomorrow?”

“Sweetie, I don’t know…”

“I just want to be a part of your life. I want to be helpful.”

“Hmm…ummm…OK…but only if you…”

“Anything, babe, anything.”

“…wait in the car.”