Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Happy Mother Earth Day

On this Earth Day, don't we discriminate against the many other planets in the solar system? What is so wrong with Mars? Saturn? Venus? Can't we just have "Planet day". It would be far more inclusive.

Remember Mother Earth (“ME”) was just as happy being a molten mess of volcanic death--she does not care if the grass is green, the sky blue. In fact, she does not think, and ME is not a she.

Perhaps, it should be called "ME Day", because earth day is filled with double speak where we praise mother earth but really rally to save you and ME from extinction.

I am sanguine. Although we will ultimately destroy this planet (in our standards not earth's), we will continue to blast into the heavens and begin to populate (and pollute) the universe.

Humans are far more intelligent than dinosaurs and as adaptable as cockroaches--in essence, we are tough virus’s to exterminate.

Happy ME Day

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Imus, Cho and Cash

When MSNBC fired Don Imus, they wrapped the decision in a glorious civic edict that America needed healing from hurtful, mean language. As we know, CBS followed suit and forced Imus into radiotirement.

Of course, what Imus said was stupid, and unfunny, a far greater sin.

But last night, NBC and MSNBC revealed their hypocrisy when they made the decision to resurrect Cho and air his videos and pictures, while reaping huge ratings, and yes, ad dollars.

There was no possible gain for airing anything that nut bag had to say—while lonely parents mourn the loss of children they could not protect, NBC partnered with Cho to sell more Fords.

I do credit NBC for consistency—advertisers chased Imus off the air while advertisers salivated at the chance to air spots during the Cho videos.

But it had nothing to do with a higher civic duty—in both cases, MSNBC and NBC just followed the money.

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Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Mr. Skinny kneels before the Tall One

I don’t know if my contact within the Barack camp is O’full of it, but Mr. 73% may tour Lincoln’s tomb during his Springfield Presidential announcement.

I had suggested earlier that all REPUBLICAN Presidential candidates must travel to papa Lincoln’s tomb to reflect on why we are Republicans and how we have deviated from the ideals of the party he created.

Apparently, one candidate really liked my idea: but it was DEMOCRAT Obama, who may beat every GOP pretender to the punch and launch his Presidency with Lincoln’s legacy and tomb as a backdrop.

I promise you this: if Barack tours Lincoln’s tomb, I may vote for the Skinny One.

I have always like him personally, but touring the tomb shows class and a reverence of history that transcends party lines.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Lincoln's Coocyx For Sale

Following the dumbest war in our history, spiraling debt, and the desire to peddle fear for political purposes, our Republican leadership has so fully disgraced the legacy of “our” Abe, that we should complete the rape, unearth the tall one and EBAY his clavicle, toe bone, rib tips, everythin--at least we call upon him once more to help reduce our national debt. For if a Lincoln letter can fetch one hundred grand, just think what we could get for his femur.

Too many fat elephants have been so seduced by profits, pensions and the seedy politics of winning at all costs, that they have forgotten about you, the people.

So a national GOP pilgrimage is in order--no not to that “Abe Lincoln West World” museum, where local legend says Lincoln once peed, but the hallowed ground of his actual tomb.

A grand tour is required to not only rub the brass nose of sad Abe, but to wander inside the dark, dank tomb and reflect upon A. Lincoln’s call for union “…with malice toward none, with charity for all”.

So let it be written, that all Republicans—including all 2008 GOP Presidential candidates--shall travel to the final resting place of Pa Pa Lincoln, the father of our party.

Once there, pledge to stop acting like self absorbed fools and begin to rebuild our party according to his ideals. For if we don’t start acting like Lincoln--Americans first, Republicans second—-we should dig him out, cut him up and hawk his 206 remaining bits to the highest bidders. At least then, he would respect us for our honesty.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Todd projected to Win

With 78% of the precincts reporting, Illinois Shadow is projecting Todd the Stoller the winner in the race for Cook County Board President.

“Crying Tony needs to swallow the hard truth. He lost…Jr. won,” declared Burt Nobles, supervisor of the Cook County election board.

Upon hearing the sad news, six Peraica 1099 contract workers, and one small child, marched to the Chicago Tribune demanding to “let us in” .

“How can we not get elected? Obviously, the Tribune failed us,” said five-year-old Dan Proft. “The Tribune Company had the ability to rename the paper the Chicago Peraica, and they did nothing.”

A stunned Bruce Dolt muttered something about falling circulation and then mentioned his multi-colored socks that he wears on election night.

Stunned and confused, Proft told reporters that they would continue to march, and eventually, blame every Chicago institution for Crying Tony’s loss.

“Don’t think the Art Institute is blameless,” said Proft. “Yeah, like they have real art inside. It is a front for the machine, and we know it.”

Monday, October 02, 2006

Stroger, Blagojevich to Send Flowers To Foley

Once again, the sanctimonious GOP is caught with its pants down (and its fingers on the key board).

As you know by now, Rep. Foley plays with boys in his employ, sending them emails that violate the sexual predator laws he enacted. Just as sickening, several Illinois GOP leaders—who supervise the page program—apparently failed to do anything about the pedoterrorist in their closet.

So Illinois Dems will push this issue hard, reminding voters that the Illinois GOP talks about family values, but value hot pants and long showers more. This story will dominate the press’ attention for the next forty days, killing most other election related stories, forcing candidates to address this issue.

And when they do, Democrats will win, and Republicans lose, specifically Peraica and Topinka.

“As your Cook County Board President,” said an energized Todd Stroger, “we will ensure that our interns our safe and free from threats that plagued the Republican controlled page program. My Republican opponent…”

“As your Governor, I won’t tolerate this behavior,” said Blagojevich “I just find it hard to understand why Republican leaders would allow children to be victimized. My Republican opponent…”


CP: Illinois Shadow

Friday, September 15, 2006

Last Stop Rockford

The Rockford paper is whining again—upset that the two major party candidates for Governor have ignored the Rockford Register Star’s request to host a debate.

Thumping its small chest like a teenage girl on My Space, the paper cannot understand why anyone would dis Rockford. "What are they thinking?" the paper whimpers. But you only get to demand debates, when you have something to offer.

Unfortunately, over the decades the leadership in Rockford, including the paper, have let its citizens down.

Quick…how many people live in Rockford:

a) 783,343
b) 567,384
c) 150,000
(short music interlude)

Time's up! If you answered C, you are correct.

These figures put Rockford in the same category as Naperville, with 160,000 denizens, or Aurora, with 150,000 Aurorians.

Rockford’s plan for growth over the last 20 years has been to complain, whine and badger Illinois that they are the mighty City of Rockford. Please--for the benefit of all of our tired ears--cut the stoic, insular Swedish snobbery, extend the Metra line from Harvard to Rockford, and become a suburb of Chicago.

You might find that people visit Rockford—even candidates for Governor.

CP: Illinois Shadow

Thursday, September 07, 2006

George Ryan: Just Say No

Maybe this should have been our first clue:

August 15, 1989

St. Louis Post Dispatch

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. - Two candidates - one a familiar face and one a newcomer to statewide politics - joined the 1990 Illinois primary fray Monday.

Lt. Gov. George Ryan, a Republican, announced at a Capitol rally that he would seek the GOP nomination for secretary of state, pledging that his first priority would be the prevention of drug abuse.


Drug abuse?

CP: Illinois Shadow

Monday, August 07, 2006

My Nephew

I know this is not the forum for family promotion, but my nephew Andy just got a video camera and made a movie during 4th period. He is Vice-President of the AV club and did a bang up job. How did he remember all those lines? You can view his movie here.

Illinois Shadow

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Tony, Don't be a Cmizdravac

Dear T:

If you are a dick, you will lose.

Yes, we are sick that Todd Stroger got the slot because of his daddy.

But other than the chattering political junkies, nobody cares, YET. It’s the summer, baby.

The press will push the nepotism and anger angle for you. Stop being so indignant—you appear a little Allan KeyesISH.

Take a deep breath, smile AND charm the voters. How about some self-deprecating humor?

“When I first became a Commissioner, I still had some trouble understanding English, especially when people spoke really fast. So when Cook County employees said “Whoozen’M’Diddee”, I thought somebody had sneezed. Now I know they were asking “Who is MY daddy?”

If you are strident and angry all the time, Democrats will select the familiar name “Stroger”.

Better they go with the devil’s son they know, than the angry devil they don’t.

P.S. For the love of Jehovah, please donate to the Peraica campaign here.

Illinois Shadow

Sunday, July 16, 2006


Americans are brave.

Born from strong stock that conquered a wilderness, fought off a colonial parent, and weathered a war between brothers, we have a rich history of strength in the face of adversity.

But in the last decade, we have become soft, frightened and spooked by the nebulous threat of terrorism. Of course, our government has stoked that fear, reminding us constantly of the boogey Muslim around every corner.

We must find strength in our history.

By conquering our rational yet over hyped, oversold fear, we might have a chance to return our government to its owners: We the People…

From illegal searches, seizures, surveillance and torture, the assaults on our freedom and traditions are legion. George the 43rd and his cronies have hyped fear to consolidate power in the executive branch—you are either with us or against us, he mumbled. And the monarchy began.

But King George is neither a Republican nor a conservative: he is the CEO in Chief, corralling us with memos from Homeland security. His intent to keep us safe is sincere, but his methods are wrong.

Instead, in the face of terror, he should remind us of our past. We are not lambs needing shelter; we are Americans requiring freedom.

Yes, a Jihadist may kill me; but I rather die free at the hands of a terrorist, then suffer a thousand cuts to our Liberty.

Illinois Shadow

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


I just had a birthday. Here is what I have learned:

Woman love hugs, deep kisses and bed skirts;

Men love hugs, deep kisses but only if it leads to the removal of a skirt in bed;

Democrats who send there kids to private school are like gay Republicans:
Decrying the state of union, but screwing their neighbors anyway.

Peanut Butter is the perfect food, unless spread on a gay Republican;

Rod Blagojevich is an early Sputnik monkey: smiling, hairy, lost in space;

Girls rule--Boys drool.

Jews for Jesus are really Christians;

John Stroger is just as articulate in a coma--Tony Peraica is friendlier in a coma;

Life is hard, a one-way street, but nothing a long nap can’t cure.