ON AIR WITH HOWARD COHEN

If you have ever met Jeff Berkowitz and his, um, tiny camera, you might cast him aside as a looney bin who has a cable show in his Mom’s basement.

Popping up here and there, and whining tough questions to dazed politicians, angry handlers have debated whether to ignore him or engage him.

But in the small Midwest, where weatherman are media stars, our political class is perplexed: his cable show is booked between test patterns, but he is on TV and that makes him a real reporter, right?

Probably not. Despite his boasting, watching him on TV makes one ponder whether he won his gig (and his suit) in a Kiwanis raffle.

That being said, the Shadow sees hope for attorney Berkowitz. His tenacity, rudeness, wit and stumbling reminds me of another irritant who also chucked the law for a microphone.

That cub reporter’s name was Howard Cohen, more commonly known as Howard Cosell.

In his middle life, Cosell exited his successful legal practice to pursue his dream. But the only job available was announcing little league games gratis before massive crowds of 27. For years, Cosell annoyed parents, berated children for striking out and treated every game like the World Series. But he refused to be ignored and eventually transformed himself into an icon.

Does Mr. Berkowitz’ future hold the same? Who knows.

But like Cosell, Berkowitz is not going away anytime soon.

KITT for Sale!

For “expansion and other factors”, Illinois 8th Congressional GOP candidate Ken Arnold is selling his famed look-alike Knight Rider car that he purchased back in ’88.

“Hasselhoff and I look alike. We have the same driving techniques, and I still wear the glasses I bought with the car,” boasted Arnold. “In fact, the series could have been based on my life—I’m surprised NBC passed me over.”

Although Arnold refused to say whether he had secured any offers, he did offer his exit strategy.

“If it does not sell in the good ole’ US of A—I’ll take it to Deutschland and just say I’m Hasselhoff.”

Chapitre Un

Over the dark skys of Illarnia, three species battled: the emps, short sleeves and wide eyes.

The emps were infamous for their cunning laziness. Among them, there were glimmers of brilliance, but for many, they simply tickled the public teat with their greedy tongues. Over the last era, the emps had procreated and swelled in ranks; more and more were required to do less. Each cycle, the emps snickered and chattered in the silent dance of smears to advance their Lord’s future.

The short sleeves wore the button down variety—mostly bearded with large heads to hold their swelled brains. More skull than matter, they carried their battle pens to record each action of the emps. As their Lords grew fat upon the honey of media mergers, they suffered from salahubris: big brain--low pay. They battled on, but since they needed stories to scribe, they formed alliances with the emps. The emps provided the sleeves with consistency, simplicity, and the occasional beverage.

The one species the emps and the short sleeves loathed were the wide eyes.

The wide eyes believed in a different version of tomorrow—often naive, shrill and a bit nutty. They spoke large of small substance solutions—taxes are too high, guns kill, we must end corruption. They ran and ran—and if they lost too many times, the emps and short sleeves conspired and tarred them Gadflies.

But among the emp warriors was a faun named Tumistinka...

Drive Right--Teeth White and Bright

Secretary of State Jesse White--the tumbler who always gets back up--is offering free teeth whitener to any Illinois driver with a safe record.

"Drive right--your teeth will be bright like White's," said spokesman Nipsey Russell.

Worldwide Exclusive--Bush beating Christ

Bolstered by a more robust economy, The New York Times reported today that George Bush’s poll numbers had improved.

But in a worldwide “Shadow” exclusive, George Bush is even beating the Lord Jesus in a poll commissioned by CBS2 Chicago and the Daily Southtown.

Besting Christ by more than 800 daily posts, bloggers commented about The Son of Bush 188,075 times in the last thirty days, while The Son of God garnered a mere 162,688 posts.

“Repeated calls to heaven went unreturned,” decried veteran CBS2 reporter Mike Flannery. “But the White House was quick to capitalize, slamming Yahweh for his opposition to war in general.”

“The ‘love your neighbor’ rhetoric is so 20th century,” said White House spokesperson Scott McClellan. “George Bush respects the Messiah, but this poll reveals that the ‘turn the other cheek’ philosophy is tired, and frankly, in this post 9/11 era of fear, threatens our American way of life.”

Mommy, are you there?

With over 200 votes cast, the “Mommy Are You There” poll declared Ronald Gidwitz as the winner—22% of the voters said that of all the Illinois Gubernatorial candidates, Gidwitz was probably hugged the least as a child. James Oberweis came in second with a strong 20%--the Oberweis campaign quickly dismissed the results.

“Polls at this point mean nothing,” said spokesperson Jerry Wilcott. “As the voters get to know Jim, they will realize that he was never hugged as a child.”

Bill Brady, who received the fewest votes with 9%, said it should not dissuade voters from ultimately choosing him.

“Look, I still live at home, so I get hugged everyday,” said a dejected Brady. “But trust me, when I move out on my own, I am not hugging anybody. That is my commitment—that is my vow.”

Experts disagree on the significance of hugging and electoral performance.

“It depends on the method of adult hugging,” declared Leo Busca, Professor of Human Relations at University of Illinois-Circle. “Too much touching can lead to a solitary life of gambling and onanism.”

However, candidate Rauschenberger was so moved by the poll’s results that he dropped out of the race and teamed up with the winner.

“Ron has proved he has the votes,” said Senator Rauschenberger. “I only got 11%--11%!! I know that I was loved as a child—but I tried to hide it from the voters. They saw right through it.”

At tonight’s double-secret campaign rally between Rauschenberger and Gidwitz, there were no hugs. Gidwitz set the tone of the new campaign by immediately punching Rauschenberger and insulting his knit sweater. But Rauschenberger fought back--hitting Gidwitz square on the nose and damning Gidwitz to one of his housing projects.

A dazed but bloody Gidwitz bounced back quickly though.

“Hey buddy, let’s go get that red head.”

I'm with...

Topinkojevich? The Shadow is a tad pissed’jeviched!

Not because insulting a woman with a silly moniker was a stupid thing to do--because it was--but because it falls shy of really clever.

First, it should be Topinka’vich. The Topink-o-je-vich is just clumsy, like Dick Van Dyke stumbling over the ottoman, except people tend to feel sympathy because when you say it, you sound like Corky from Life Goes On.

Second, the Shadow is sad that someone as respected, kind and truly intelligent as Senator Rauschenberger would tolerate such witlessness.

In the olden days, there was a law—never written, but always whispered.

Rule 3.78(b): Thou shall let another candidate have their announcement day.

This law was based upon courtesy, respect and recognition that we are all Americans.

OK, Ok. That was a little over the top, but the sentiment was sincere.

At the Stove Stoker’s announcement, some little ferret-berger crashed the party and was touting this Topinka-o-je-vich drivel, part of the same rodent order who trailed Obama with a video camera.

Truly classless'vich.

Since Rauschenberger has a penchant for naughty t-shirts, the Shadow is sending your team new shirts (with new campaign logos!)

Here they are. But remember to wear them as a group.